• August 18, 2019

The Real Reason You Fall Out Of Love In Relationships (& How To Fix It)



What’s keeping you from lasting love?

Have you sacrificed or compromised yourself for your relationship, and then felt disappointed when it eventually fell apart?

Are you losing yourself for the sake of your relationship and, later, falling out of love?

Not expressing your real self by choosing to please others can cause you to fall out of love in relationships, because when you give up aspects of your true self, you’re not getting your needs met in love.

Here are 8 questions to ask yourself if you’re continually falling out of love in relationships.

  1. Have you noticed that you keep attracting relationships where your needs don’t get met?
  2. Do you find partners who don’t want to commit, yet you desperately want to change their mind and prove to them that you’re good enough?
  3. Do you put all your hopes and dreams on your partner and feel disappointed when the relationship does not work out?
  4. Do you make it your mission to change your partner or fix them?
  5. Do you secretly want to rescue your partner and accommodate their temper, only to end up feeling abused or used?
  6. Do you fall for people who often need you to take care of them or require you to meet all their needs?
  7. Do you find yourself trying to fit in with your partner and, therefore, giving up aspects of yourself?
  8. Do you constantly lose yourself in relationships, becoming unhappy and falling out of love when your needs don’t get met?

If so, you might be compromising yourself for the sake of your relationships, which is the reason you keep falling out of love.

How do these self-sabotaging patterns come about, and how do they play out in your relationships?

The truth is, these ways of relating to others are most likely the same ways you coped in the past, as a child with caregivers who let you down.

According attachment theory in psychology — which describes the attachment style you have in relationships — you replay the same pattern of trying to get your needs met in your adult relationships as you did when you were a child. As a result, you tend to neglect your self-love and self-care to suit your partner.

It all goes back to your childhood.

In the hope of feeling loved as a child, you shut out feelings of hurt or rejection to prevent yourself from feeling worthless and unwanted. You accommodated the needs of your caregivers so you could feel loved or good enough.

Over time, you may have realized that expressing your real self caused you to feel bad about yourself, so you forwent your real self and learned to meet the needs of your caregiver instead — by walking on eggshells to avoid feeling reprimanded, pleasing them, or keeping the peace.

Your real self went underground and your false self was used to meet the needs of others to avoid feelings of hurt, rejection, or worthlessness, and to feel good enough — a pattern that stuck with you through adulthood.

According to James Masterson in his book, Search for the Real Self, when the real self does not feel good enough and wishes to hide behind the defensive, false self that wants love, approval, and acceptance from others, a person will seek relationships to get the love they always wanted. Therefore, the mission in life becomes getting love, acceptance, and approval in order to feel good enough, leaving the real self ignored.

Unknowingly, individuals who felt unloved as a child avoid these negative feelings deep down within themselves, in order to feel better. They escape their feelings of rejection or worthlessness by seeking love in a relationship. When individuals feel bad within themselves, they often look for love in the hopeful fantasy of feeling good enough by adapting themselves to meet the needs of others.

Attempts to express themselves lead to painful feelings underlying their real self, so they adopt the defensive false self in the hope to be loved or good enough for others. Yet, deep down, they do not have self-love. So, they overly invest in others to feel good enough by further negating themselves and letting their needs go unmet.

Are you falling out of love in relationships by adopting your false self to appease others?

When you do this, you unknowingly give up aspects of yourself for love, yet end up feeling unloved as a result. You may put up with things, find it hard to express your own needs or have difficulty setting boundaries, because you fear the consequences of losing the person you love and attempt to avoid feeling bad for activating them.

However, these entrenched patterns of relating cause you to compromise yourself in relationships. And when you forgo expressing your true self, you lose yourself in your relationship until you fall out of love.

A healthy self will foster healthy relationships.

When you gain self-acceptance and self-love, you do not defensively need others to feel good enough, and you are able to meet your own needs in a relationship. When you can share aspects of yourself and obtain self-fulfillment, you can offer more of yourself to your partner, build a stronger foundation for your relationship, and, in turn, keep your love intact.

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