1. PISCES

You are so sweet that anyone who spends five minutes in your presence falls into a sugar coma. You are loving, caring, kind, warm, considerate, friendly, and always willing to lend a helping hand. You always know the right thing to say, especially in tense or unhappy situations, and you’re so sweet that you melt everyone’s hearts like a blowtorch melting an ice cube. You’re so sweet that you make me feel bad about myself, because I know I’ll never be as pure as you.


2. CANCER

Have you ever eaten a Kit Kat bar? How about a Snickers? Or a Reese’s peanut butter cup? What about a bag full of M&Ms? OK, combine all that into a bowl of chocolate ice cream with hot caramel and marshmallow sauce, top it off with whipped cream and a cherry, and what do you have? The answer is YOU.


3. LIBRA

You rescue kittens from trees. You catch babies as they fall from burning buildings. You always have a positive thing to say to everyone—no matter how much everyone else dislikes them—which is why when people hear your name, they smile. Where there is darkness, you open the shades and let the light in. You are one sweet treat.


4. TAURUS

Though you are named after the bull, most of the time you’re more like a lamb. You live and let live. You leave people alone and only get in a bad mood when they won’t leave you the hell alone. You smile and say “hi” to everyone you meet, even if you hate their guts. You are sweetest around babies and pets—so sweet, it can give innocent bystanders a toothache.


5. SAGITTARIUS

The warmer the weather, the warmer your disposition. The opposite applies to cold weather. The more sunlight, the lighter your mood. When it gets dark outside, it also gets dark inside you. When you’re sweet, it’s like a big fat sugar cream pie. When you’re sour, though, it’s like guzzling a bottle of apple cider vinegar.


6. ARIES

You give back as good as you get. You are sweet to those who are nice to you but sour to those who give you attitude. Over the course of the same day, you will give a bouquet of flowers to the nice little old lady down the street who just became a widow, and you will kick the guy who made a lewd comment to you straight in his groin.


7. VIRGO

You have your good days and your bad days, the latter of which are a little more frequent because you’re so ridiculously touchy. You take the most innocent comments personally and then won’t talk to people for weeks. When you’re sweet, it’s as sugary as Vermont maple syrup candy. When you’re sour, it’s the same—except the candy has rat poison in it.


8. LEO

Self-pity radiates from you like a foul odor. Oh, did you break a fingernail again? And your car insurance rates went up 9%? And Netflix dropped your favorite series? And the local deli’s chicken salad sandwich doesn’t taste as good as it used to? So sorry. But did you really have to post about it all on Facebook?


9. AQUARIUS

You’re not even sour so much as you are whiny. If it’s a sunny day, you’ll worry about skin cancer. If it’s a rainy day, you’ll complain that it’s not sunny. Ay yi yi, Mopey Molly, you need to take the self-pity down a notch. And quit being so touchy. Put some sugar in your gas tank, honey, because you’re way too sour. Trust me—no one wants to hear your problems.


10. CAPRICORN

Oh, look at the poor, poor, moody, brooding goat. What an awful life you have. Denied your job promotion at an office you hate anyway, you sit there alone at a table in the food court, munching on wilted lettuce and cursing your luck. There’s a reason you’re eating alone. That’s because you don’t need anyone there to listen to your problems and feel sorry for you—you do a great job of that yourself.


11. GEMINI

You’re quite the sour gummy worm. When you get in one of your moods—because everyone knows you have only two—you are one foul, back-stabbing, two-faced bitch. Everyone can actually see the clouds over your head. If sulking were an Olympic event, you’d be a Gold Medal winner. Turn that frown upside down before all your friends gotta smack a bitch! You’re ruining the fun for everyone. Stop dragging the rest of us down. If you don’t stop, we’d all prefer if you were to just go home and cry.


12. SCORPIO

Would anyone think that cockroaches and spiders are sweet? Well, same goes for scorpions. Catching you in a bad mood is like risking instant death.
And when you’re in a bad mood—which is about 23 hours a day—you will not rest until everyone else is as miserable as you. And WOW, are you sour in the morning. It’s a good rule to never speak to you until at least three hours after you wake up.